I want to make a life in this moment.
I want to stake my claim on this time and place.
My flag has penetrated the ground and I am not going anywhere.
Except I am. In the real world, you can’t stop time. You cannot live in one single moment. You cannot pretend that the next part of your life is not coming at you fast, like an 18-wheeler down the interstate. Time is an interesting thing; when you want it to go fast, it seems to slow down, and when you want to hold on to those last precious moments it blows past you.
44 days.
I feel like that is on repeat in my head.
44 days.
Graduation.
It is coming and I am not ready. I have no real plan, no idea of what my future holds. Honestly, I am scared. Not scared of getting older, or having to live on my own, but I am scared of not becoming who I want to become.
When I was 16 years old, I decided I wanted to be an art therapist. I made a plan for myself. Bachelors degree, masters then a PhD. This is obviously not the plan I followed since I am not currently enrolled in a master program and have honestly not given it much thought since I decided to take a gap year. What is coming next? Where will I be living come fall? There is so much to think about but time is limited.
In realizing all of this today, I have been faced with a dilemma… How do I live out the rest of college, making the most of it while still getting all of my work done? I am not sure it can be done, if I am capable of letting go of this stress that has become part of me. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I can; playing stupid games, watching movies when we really should be doing work or just hanging out doing absolutely nothing. I truly wish living in the moment was as easy as it seems, I always catch myself thinking about what is happening next. The “day that must not be named” is hanging in the future but it is what comes before it that I am most looking forward to.
I was reading through parts of The Time Travelers Wife tonight when I should have been writing my Revelation and Resistance paper and came upon a quote that I have forgotten about until now…
"We laugh and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment." –Audrey Niffenegger
