With just one look...

It is just one of those days where everything going on in your life hits you over the head like the anvil roadrunner would drop on coyote. I woke up to my mom beckoning me from downstairs. She was yelling, but because I was so tired I just turned over and fell back asleep. She came into my room minutes later and put her hand on my back and said “Ali, I am going to see Aunt Rose today. Would you like to come with me?” Normally, I would think about her question, roll it around in my head and then come up with some excuse as to why I could not go with her. Today, however, was different. I told her I would get up and get ready and be down in a few minutes. On the ride over to Aunt Rose’s my mom asked me why there were already so many miles on the car, I looked at her and looked away, I was not in the mood to fight. I was tired, and I already was trying to brace myself for the time we were about to spend with Aunt Rose. Those minutes always last as if they were hours and no matter how hard I try I still can’t stop myself from tearing up. My mom starts talking about something that happened last night at Aunt Rose’s, but I was honestly not listening. Instead I was singing along to Reba and staring straight ahead.

We arrived at Aunt Rose’s and when I got out of the car this feeling of sadness came over me. We walked up to the door, and the nurse let us in. When we got into the living room, Aunt Rose was sitting in her chair watching TV Land. She was slumped into one side of the chair with her head in her hands. She looked up at us, and attempted a hello but her body would not allow it. My mom went up and kissed her on the cheek, and then I followed and did the same. She held my hand, and in the short moment a smile flashed across my face. I sat down next to her, her hand still in mine. She looked me in the eyes and smiled. A tear ran down my cheek, and she looked at me with concern in her eyes. I smiled and told her I missed her, but she didn’t change the way she was looking at me. My mom came over and sat next to me and started talking to aunt rose. I sit back on the couch and wipe the tears from my eyes and look at the TV. The Andy Griffith show is on, so I decide to just allow myself to get lost in the show. I find myself laughing at the jokes and before I know it the show is over; so much for a distraction.

I look back at Aunt Rose, her body is there but her mind seemed lost. We left Aunt Rose’s soon after. My mom said goodbye to her but she refused to look at my mom because she was mad at her for not visiting more often. I walked over and bent over to kiss her forehead when looked at me as if she could see past to large smile I had plastered on my face. She could see something was not right inside me even though I wasn’t sure what it was. My eyes welled up so I kissed her forehead, said goodbye and left the room. I went straight to my car, turned it on, and sat with tears running down my face. I wiped them away by the time my mom opened the door and got in. She started saying something about the events of the previous night but once again I blocked her out. She touched my arm and asked if I was listening. I told her no and she began again. I guess 2 girls from the Bronx came to beat up the nurse that was taking care of Aunt Rose over some guy. The police had to be called because they had broken into the house and had thrown the girl down the stairs. I was in shock, why had I not paid attention sooner. How does something like that happen, what if Aunt Rose was hurt because of these girls? Thank God she just slept through it all, who knows how though.

Things happen so quickly in life. There is no slowing life down, and there is no going back. Seeing Aunt Rose today just made me take a long look at my life. What is happening? Where am I going? Am I truly living life to its fullest? Is this the life I saw myself living? I am heading back to school soon for the last time in my college career, and maybe that anxiety that Aunt Rose saw in my eyes today. It is going to be one hell of a semester, but it is what is coming after that is making me so anxious. School is coming to an end, friendships will be put to the test, and life as I had known it will change for good. It is a big change, but it took a look from my Aunt Rose to make me really step back and look at everything. She still has my back, forces me to really look at my life with just one look and I love her for that.

But life's not the breath you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain't what it's all about
You just might miss the point
If you don't slow down the pace
Life's not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away.

-George Straight

That's alright, I've got forever on the tip of my tongue

Field hockey is over.


A 16 year long chapter in my life has come to a close.


I am not sure how I am feeling. The emotions that are running through my body are foreign and contradictory. I don’t think I have truly wrapped my mind around the fact that I will no longer be on a team, and next year I will not be returning to Hendrix College for preseason. I won’t receive a workout for the summer, or have to worry about when my individual session will be scheduled in the spring.

I joke with people on the team about how we will have to schedule workouts from 4:30-6:30 Monday-Friday so that I can maintain structure to my day but it is only slightly a joke. I am already missing hockey, and its only the second day of not having it. All day I was worried about getting everything done before practice, and then realized that I don’t have that worry anymore.

It has been a long and crazy road. I cannot describe how amazing these last four years have been. Winning games that seemed out of our reach, fighting back when we were down goals or players, and always standing strong when the odds were stacked against us. I am so proud to be a part of Hendrix Field Hockey, and absolutely amazed at what we have accomplished as a team. It doesn't seem real, the victory over Sewanee in overtime was one of the happiest moments I have had on a hockey field and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

After the game on Saturday, I couldn't stop the tears from running down from my eyes. I saw my mom running across the field and as she took me in her embrace I cried even harder. She held me tight and told me over and over how proud she was of me, and how well we played. When my tears slowed down she whispered in my ear, "now you just have to show your love for the game in a different way, stay involved, coach, it is what has allowed me to keep my love for the game alive." I know she was right, and I know no matter what I will keep my love for the game in my heart always. It is going to be different though.

This is the first chapter to close in my life, and I know that this being my senior year many more are to follow. It is going to be a year of change. I sit in my room at times and think about what it will be like next year when I will not be living with two of my best friends but instead struggling to find a job and a place to live. What will happen when a 15 page paper is not the most stressful part of my life, and when I want to talk to my friends I can’t just call them up and have them meet me in the pecan court or have midnight tea parties in the labyrinth. Life is changing so fast, and try as I might I cannot slow it down. I get chills just thinking about the idea of graduation, yet in a mere few months it will actually be happening.

This year will be a memory soon, so my goal is to make the most of it. Spend more time with my friends, not worrying so much about the future but living in the moment because the time to worry will come but its not here yet. Hendrix will be my home for the next six months, and I don’t want to regret not having done anything. I want to sing in live-band karaoke, dance for hours with my friends at parties singing along to the music, sit and have a cup of tea with my lovely ladies and having heart to hearts instead of writing a paper that is due the next day. Saying goodbye to Hendrix is going to be hard, but until that has to happen I am just going to live every day to its fullest and not allow anything to ruin these last months.



"I ain't here to do anything half way

Don't give a damn what anyone might say

I just want to free fall for awhile"

Wild at heart- Gloriana

My League of Extraordinary Ladies

Movies are what keep me sane. When the world seems depressing and unchanging I slip a DVD into its player and escape into the mystery that comes with a new story. This ability to leave our world and travel into cinema is a luxury I have become so dependent on. Romance, action, horror, mystery it all grabs my attention and pulls me in no matter if I really do have time to watch or not. As much as movies are an escape, I cannot stop myself from transforming my friends into each of the characters. It makes watching the movie that much more exciting, because it brings in a personal connection.

One of my favorite movies to do this with is The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I can quote the script word for word, and am not surprised by twists in the plot but still get a kick out of seeing the characters as each of my friends. The league of Extraordinary Gentlemen is about a group of literary characters brought together to fight the phantom, a man who like the league has many secrets to hide.

The personality of Captain Nemo shines through Jordana in the best way possible. She is steadfast in her beliefs, knowing what she holds dear, and not allowing others to use it against her or put her down for them. She is one of the most welcoming people I know; engaging, and is always trying to make you feel comfortable. Nemo puts the comfort of his guest high on his priority list, and allows everyone to feel at home in his many vessels of transportation. Sharing is something both Jordana and Nemo do with those who they love. At the end of the movie, Captain Nemo asks the league to join him to explore the world. Wanting to be surrounded by those who he loves, is so strongly seen through Jordana. She has a beautiful outlook on life, with a hearty laugh that cannot help but make you smile. Nemo is shown as a great friend, someone who would risk himself for someone he cared about. Just like when Nemo went back to save Mr. Hyde from the Phantom’s evil minions, Jordana would be there for any of her friends. Friendly, loving and always fun, Jordana is wonderful to be around with so much going for her in the years to come.

The character(s) of Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde are so complex due to the drastic difference between the two. Dr. Jeckel is the kind, sensitive and brilliant doctor while Mr. Hyde is his out of control, uncaring and strong counterpart. Heather is one of the most caring individuals I know. She would do anything for anyone, and that is one of the qualities shown through Dr. Jeckel. He is however, overcome by his alter ego in certain circumstances. Heather is a baller. There is no other term to describe her field hockey abilities. She is a beast on the field, and though she gets knocked around a little bit, she never gives up. She will take on girl after girl, just like Mr. Hyde when the league has infiltrated the phantoms secret hideout. He throws himself in front of bullets to save others in the league, a team player. Heather embodies all of these characteristics. One scene in particular reminds me of Heather when she is on the field. Heather likes to make this creepy, in your face, I just made a ridiculous save and you didn’t score, laugh at least once a game. The first time it came out she saved a goal with her knee. In the movie, Quartermaine and Tom Sawyer are trying to catch Mr. Hyde to convince him to join The League. While jumping from roof top to roof top Mr. Hyde is dodging bullets left and right. At one point, while Quartermaine and Tom think they are hiding, he knocks a boulder sized rock down at them. Standing on the roof he lets out this creepy laugh that Heather could have done the voice over for. She exemplifies all of the characteristics and more, she is a strong, hardworking, lovable person who knows how to let out her IB.

Quartermaine is a wise older man with a keen eye for trouble, and an amazing shot from over 100 yards away. Rachel fits the role of Quartermaine very well. She is very smart, a great mentor, and will have your back at any moment. He takes care of those he cares about, and I know Rachel does the same. His character has many layers, and the more time you spend with him the more layers you can pull away. Rachel, who is very quiet at times, but what lies beneath the quiet exterior is what makes her the amazing girl that she is. Rachel is strong, and at times pushes her own emotions aside to deal with someone else who comes to her with a problem. She is a hard worker, which is one of quartermaine’s most prominent characteristic. Naturally talented, both Rachel and Quartermaine do not sit back and allow others to do things for them that they know they can do on their own. They do however depend on those around them, even though they may not be aware of it at all times. Rachel, no matter what you throw at her, will come out victorious. She is a fun-loving, resilient, beautiful girl, capable of achieving anything she wants in her life.

Mina, a beautiful and seductive vampire, reminds me of Michelle. She is not only beautiful though, she is strong and can take care of herself. Michelle takes all of these characteristics and makes them her own. Her open heart and untainted love is what is “seductive” about Michelle. You cannot help but be drawn to her personality. Michelle is strong, yet allows herself to be dependent on those around her for support. Her smile is something that warms your heart, and just like Mina, her dedication to those she cares warms your soul. She has a vibrant personality that though can be kept under wraps when need be, explodes with color and energy when she is around friends and family. Although there are parts of Mina’s personality that at first sight may not seem to be part of Michelle one would be surprised at just how similar these two women are. Mina may be more unorthodox, but Michelle shows her heart and soul in everything she does. She can do what she wants, and will succeed in anything she tries, purely because she whole-heartedly wants to be successful.

Lauren, hands down, is Rodney Skinner aka the invisible man. You may not know she is there right away, but she will always make her presence known. While in a discussion, she will sit back until it is time to say her piece, but when she does decide to speak she does it with meaning and passion. Skinner will sacrifice himself for any person in the league, and that is exactly what Lauren will do for any of her friends. She never puts herself first and she is always willing to do anything she is asked to by a friend. That is not to say that she cannot hold her own, or that she is a doormat either; she is a strong individual that is able to stand for her beliefs. Skinner, when backed up against the wall, being accused of treachery, he turns around and becomes the hero of the League. Lauren takes criticism the same way. Not only will she prove you wrong, but she will out do herself while trying to do so. Field hockey is a great example of this, tell her she isn’t doing something well, she will go out and practice every day, 10 times a day to make sure she has perfected it. Lauren is a funny, reliable, tough girl, and on top of all of that, one of the most amazing friends anyone could ask for.

My league of extraordinary ladies is the best group anyone could choose from. These girls are my family, my home away from home. I carry them in my heart, and they each take a part of me with them. I never knew I would find such a wonderful group of friends when I came to school, but I have found them and it brings me so much joy. I love these girls more than anything, and through them I have grown stronger.

My Personal Bucketlist

50 Things I want to do before I die

1. Go to Italy, and visit where my great grandparents were from.

2. Go backpacking across America.

3. Meet Lupe Fiasco, and hang out with him.

4. Write a memoir.

5. Give a speech in front of 1,000 people, and be applauded.

6. Ride in a hot air balloon.

7. Work at an orphanage in a developing country.

8. Create a charitable organization to help those less fortunate in the United States.

9. Visit Australia, and swim in the Great Barrier Reef.

10. Record one of the songs that I wrote when I wanted to be a rapper.

11. Be on either Criminal Minds or Law and Order SVU.

12. Settle down with the love of my life, and have a family.

13. Truly become spiritual; be able to give myself over without holding back.

14. Become the kind of person that people can look up to, a positive role model.

15. Read every book on my list of classic books everyone should read.

16. Become financially independent.

17. Finish a scrapbook.

18. Go to the Olympics to watch the Field Hockey games.

19. Find a collector’s edition copy of the Time Traveler’s Wife, and have it signed by Audrey Niffenegger.

20. Find a way to reduce the stress my Aunt Peggy goes through every day.

21. Watch every classic black and white movie.

22. Start a high school field hockey league in Arkansas.

23. Have Marcelline officially added as my second middle name.

24. Meet the US field hockey team, and play around with them.

25. See every Broadway show that I have wanted to see.

26. Become a Christian Buddhist.

27. Be in the hall of fame at Hendrix College.

28. Cook a meal with Paula Dean and Bobby Flay.

29. Visit India.

30. Be on a cooking show on food network such as Iron Chef, Throwdown or the next food network star.

31. Start a restaurant.

32. Sew an outfit for myself that I can use on more than one occasion.

33. Travel again to Costa Rica.

34. Visit each of my college friend’s hometowns.

35. Score a goal in a field hockey game.

36. Become an Art Therapist.

37. Visit Harry Potter world in Florida

38. Get a job as a bartender, at least for a few months J.

39. Go to a world series or super bowl game.

40. Meet Derek Jeter.

41. Create my own fragrance.

42. Visit all of the concentration/death camps from the Holocaust.

43. Meet my half sister, though I don’t even know her name.

44. Have an article published in a psychological journal.

45. Run a 6 minute mile.

46. Have strong friendships.

47. Know when to ask for help.

48. Love, and be loved in return.

49. Be happy and have no regrets.

50. Live life to the fullest.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I hear the shaking voice on the other end of the phone. My body goes numb. The phone is pushed harder against my ear. She asks who it is for the second and third time, and I start to break from the inside out. How can she not hear me? Not know who this is just by the sound of my voice? I want to cry, but holding back tears I tell her one more time, “Aunt Rose, it’s me, Ali.” When my words make it through and she recognizes who I am, we have a conversation filled with silence and confusion. I tell her I love her, and she tells me she loves me. We hang up, and every tear I have been holding back streams down my cheeks.

Aunt Rose has been in deteriorating health for the past 7 years. She was a strong single woman, with more than a few marriage offers throughout her life. She helped my grandmother raise five kids when my grandfather walked out, as well as take care of her sick mother, while working on top of all of it. Everyone knew Aunt Rose; she would get a free meal from one restaurant, a discount at another because of her liquor licensing job. She was always seen around town in her Toyota Camery with Miss ABC on the license plate. Aunt Rose was a woman to look up to, a woman who worked hard and never wanted to be dependent on anyone. Now she is more than dependent on the nurse that gives her around the clock care. The home she once ran is now in the hands of my mom and her two sisters. She is trapped in a chair or hospital bed all day, because her body is too weak to move around anymore due to the disease that has consumed her body. Parkinsons has taken everything from her except for her ability to think. She can no longer articulate, but you know she is in there, you can see it in her eyes. Every so often, there is a spark of the woman she once was. A crack in the empty shell the disease has turned her into. Her talking is limited, and when she does speak, it is garbled and hard to understand.

My mom called me yesterday, and as she was talking I could tell that something wasn’t right. She had just come from Aunt Rose’s house, and my whole body froze anticipating the horrible news. I thought the day had come, the day that she finally has let go of this life that is filled with only pain and suffering. Aunt Rose however is still not ready, though she is right on the edge. My mom painted the picture of this poor old woman who stares straight ahead with glossy eyes and mouth hanging open. I am broken, inside and out. I cannot control the tears, they come in streams and there is nothing I can do to stop them. I am brought back to reality by the sobs on the other end of the phone. My mom is crying, and all I can say to her is “can I come home for the funeral?” It is inevitable, Aunt Rose will soon be leaving us, I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t get back for the funeral. My mom can’t answer for a few minutes but finally says, “We can do whatever you want. I just don’t want you to feel pressured to come home.” I think about everything that Aunt Rose has given me. She has taken on the role of my grandmother, how on earth could I not go home for it. I want to see her once more, I cannot imagine never seeing her again alive. My mom’s crying has subsided, but I still can’t get a hold on my tears.

Why did I not spend more time with her?

Why am I so selfish?

I always had the idea in my head that Aunt Rose would be around forever. She was so tough, when I was younger, I could never have imagined her in the state she is now. I think subconsciously I didn’t want to go see her because I wanted to remember her as she was, not the deteriorating woman that she has become. I wish there was something I could do, but being so far away I can’t even comfort my mom. Instead, I find myself sitting on my bed, lost in memories of my childhood.

Climbing the tree in the side yard with my cousins.

Adventuring through the huge basement, filled with antiques, and other items that allowed my imagination to run wild.

Watching TV in grandma DeMarco’s old room, which has now become Aunt Roses room.

Going to the library and the park down the street.

Listening to the Italian House Party on the radio on Sunday mornings.

A beep brings me back. My mom had lost service, and I am alone. My mind is empty, I cannot comprehend anything. I am 20 years old but I feel like I am 7 again and it’s the night I watched my nana died. Nothing makes sense, I am cold and alone. Lauren is in my room with me, but I feel by myself. I hear the words she is saying but I can’t seem to shake this feeling of separation from the world. My mom calls me back, and she does finally make me feel better, but why am I kidding myself I am putting on a fake smile, laughing at jokes that for only a split second make me forget this loneliness. I am so used to my support system here, and without it I am crumbling. I know I have to be strong, but it is so hard.