Into the Dark

Into the dark


I followed him,
Followed him into the dark.
Cautiously, ready for anything.
Butterflies had taken over my stomach.
A chill had run down my spine,
As cold as the concrete beneath my shoes.
The moon shining through the window,
A spotlight at my feet, but not showing my future path.
Where am I going? Who am I following?
I thought I knew, but now I’m not so sure.

I have never allowed myself to keep my eyes open. I squeeze them shut, letting the man take the lead. As long as his fingers are entangled in mine, my heart stays at a steady beat. This feeling of euphoria doesn’t last forever though, because he always lets go. He takes that steady beat from me, leaving me with a whole in my chest that grows larger as the days go by. I am not aware of his intentions at the beginning; I am just swept away into a state of happiness, following blindly and carelessly as he leads me through those happy times into the depths of despair. He knew what he was doing; he had it planned all along. I cannot begin to put the blame him or on anyone but myself, for I was the one unable to see the truth.
But…

Did he not have a limit on cruelty?

How much was he willing to make me suffer?

How far could he stretch my love?

Through out many hard times I wrote him letters, one after the other though in the end unable to send them. He received nothing but letters of my undying love and never ending gratitude for being with me....

Fabi,
There are times when I have absolutely nothing to say to you,
But then there are times I just can’t stop talking...

You make this feeling rise inside me, that I haven’t felt in a long time...

It’s like a feeling of confidence, not in my self, but in my heart…

“’cause I love the way you call me baby, and you take me the way I am…”

---------->I’m not quite sure if that makes any sense….

I know how I feel about you, and I don’t second guess it…
That doesn’t mean I never second guess our relationship…
Everyday it seems to get harder, like something inside me is about to burst…
But then it may be a hole inside me that seeing you may fulfill…

“So it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard. We're going to have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.”-The Notebook

The idea is simple, but at the same time complicated…

Since the end of my last relationship, I have not been myself,
But you found the real me and brought it out…
I don’t have to hide anything from you…
And that in itself is amazing…

At times the feeling becomes hurtful, and almost frustrating…
But then it becomes stronger and stronger…

How can someone I haven’t laid eyes on in so long change me…
Can one person truly have that much of an effect…

As time goes by,
minutes become hours,
and hours become days…
eventually turning into months and soon enough a year…
and I still have not been able
…to touch you
…to hold you
…to feel you beside me
…when do I get to do what I dream about?

What more do I have to say…
I love your voice-----> when you sound cute and when you sound tough
I love how sweet you are, how brutally honest you can be, and how you make me feel inside… you have made me feel like a new person, I cannot thank you enough


“I can’t figure out the mathematics of this,

I just know I love you. I can't believe how

many times I'm saying it! And I never

thought I'd feel this way again, so

that's pretty phenomenal…but

I finally know what I want

and that, in itself, is a

miracle. And what

I want is YOU.”

-the holiday

“Because, I can see
us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us in
the country side
Sitting in the grass laying side by side”
-My love

P.S. I love you…

-Ali


Looking back on the ups and downs of our long year, I realize he tried to warn me. He told me countless times that it should be over, that it had been over. Instead of taking these statements to heart, I just cried and begged for him to take it back, to have him tell me he really loved me like I knew he did.

We have been broken up for quite some time, and it is now that I finally want to end it. I love him with all my heart, and that makes letting go even harder, but I have to. My life needs to not revolve around his moods, I am my own person. So I wrote him one last letter…

Fabi,
I am sitting all alone in my room, and as hard as I try to get you out of my mind I can’t. I really hate that you have such a hold on my heart, but I am breaking that tonight. No more of this up and down nonsense, my heart has taken far too many blows for this saga to continue. Love is not supposed to hurt this bad, you are like a deadly disease I have been fighting off, but it’s a losing battle. I am no longer putting myself through this, I am done. No I am not going to take you back, not now, not ever. You’re empty promises, lack of follow through and selfish behavior can no longer hurt me, I will not let them.
You have the nerve to write in one of your songs; “I love the way you tell me that you love me because I am different, and you listen when I’m speaking and I never lose your interest” and claim that I am the inspiration behind those words. You hit the nail right on the head when you said later in the same song, “why am I your happiness, I never seem to give it.” You knew even before I did that you were a parasite in this relationship. Just in it for you, taking all you can sucking the happiness from me slowly so I couldn’t see that you were doing. How can I have missed something so obvious, something that was so clear to everyone but me. You were never meant for me, nor I for you. I see that now and yes it hurts to know that I put so much into someone that was never at any point going to give me a quarter of what I gave them. As time goes by, this will turn into just another speed bump on the road that is my life. Right now may not be easy, but I will make it through, coming out with more that I should have ever expected.
I now know what to look for, signs that you gave me that my naïve young mind could not grasp. I had no reason to believe that one man could be so cruel. Looking back on our relationship, I see little red flares, indicating where I went wrong. Where I chose to take you back after you did something to try to hurt me; faking your death, a new “pretend” girlfriend, or just a break up you had been putting off.
This letter is not a means to make you feel bad for what you have done, but to make you see that I am no longer your doormat. You can not take your bad moods out on me, treating me like I am not worth your respect. I thought that I needed you, could not live with out you, and would not be whole if you just left me, but this is not the case. You are just a guy, nothing more, nothing less. A guy I had on a pedestal, for no reason out side of the fact that I was in love with you.
I care about you very much, I always have, I always will.
Love always,
Ali

If I finally cut all ties…

Maybe I will finally get that steady beat back.

Maybe the hole will fill up with the mended pieces of my broken heart.

Maybe I will learn to keep my eyes open next time because being blinded by love leads to nothing but broken hearts and nights of crying yourself to sleep.

Maybe I’ll be free.