and nothing can mar our perfection

I want to make a life in this moment.

I want to stake my claim on this time and place.

My flag has penetrated the ground and I am not going anywhere.

Except I am. In the real world, you can’t stop time. You cannot live in one single moment. You cannot pretend that the next part of your life is not coming at you fast, like an 18-wheeler down the interstate. Time is an interesting thing; when you want it to go fast, it seems to slow down, and when you want to hold on to those last precious moments it blows past you.

44 days.

I feel like that is on repeat in my head.

44 days.

Graduation.

It is coming and I am not ready. I have no real plan, no idea of what my future holds. Honestly, I am scared. Not scared of getting older, or having to live on my own, but I am scared of not becoming who I want to become.

When I was 16 years old, I decided I wanted to be an art therapist. I made a plan for myself. Bachelors degree, masters then a PhD. This is obviously not the plan I followed since I am not currently enrolled in a master program and have honestly not given it much thought since I decided to take a gap year. What is coming next? Where will I be living come fall? There is so much to think about but time is limited.

In realizing all of this today, I have been faced with a dilemma… How do I live out the rest of college, making the most of it while still getting all of my work done? I am not sure it can be done, if I am capable of letting go of this stress that has become part of me. I want to spend as much time with my friends as I can; playing stupid games, watching movies when we really should be doing work or just hanging out doing absolutely nothing. I truly wish living in the moment was as easy as it seems, I always catch myself thinking about what is happening next. The “day that must not be named” is hanging in the future but it is what comes before it that I am most looking forward to.

I was reading through parts of The Time Travelers Wife tonight when I should have been writing my Revelation and Resistance paper and came upon a quote that I have forgotten about until now…

"We laugh and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment." –Audrey Niffenegger

With just one look...

It is just one of those days where everything going on in your life hits you over the head like the anvil roadrunner would drop on coyote. I woke up to my mom beckoning me from downstairs. She was yelling, but because I was so tired I just turned over and fell back asleep. She came into my room minutes later and put her hand on my back and said “Ali, I am going to see Aunt Rose today. Would you like to come with me?” Normally, I would think about her question, roll it around in my head and then come up with some excuse as to why I could not go with her. Today, however, was different. I told her I would get up and get ready and be down in a few minutes. On the ride over to Aunt Rose’s my mom asked me why there were already so many miles on the car, I looked at her and looked away, I was not in the mood to fight. I was tired, and I already was trying to brace myself for the time we were about to spend with Aunt Rose. Those minutes always last as if they were hours and no matter how hard I try I still can’t stop myself from tearing up. My mom starts talking about something that happened last night at Aunt Rose’s, but I was honestly not listening. Instead I was singing along to Reba and staring straight ahead.

We arrived at Aunt Rose’s and when I got out of the car this feeling of sadness came over me. We walked up to the door, and the nurse let us in. When we got into the living room, Aunt Rose was sitting in her chair watching TV Land. She was slumped into one side of the chair with her head in her hands. She looked up at us, and attempted a hello but her body would not allow it. My mom went up and kissed her on the cheek, and then I followed and did the same. She held my hand, and in the short moment a smile flashed across my face. I sat down next to her, her hand still in mine. She looked me in the eyes and smiled. A tear ran down my cheek, and she looked at me with concern in her eyes. I smiled and told her I missed her, but she didn’t change the way she was looking at me. My mom came over and sat next to me and started talking to aunt rose. I sit back on the couch and wipe the tears from my eyes and look at the TV. The Andy Griffith show is on, so I decide to just allow myself to get lost in the show. I find myself laughing at the jokes and before I know it the show is over; so much for a distraction.

I look back at Aunt Rose, her body is there but her mind seemed lost. We left Aunt Rose’s soon after. My mom said goodbye to her but she refused to look at my mom because she was mad at her for not visiting more often. I walked over and bent over to kiss her forehead when looked at me as if she could see past to large smile I had plastered on my face. She could see something was not right inside me even though I wasn’t sure what it was. My eyes welled up so I kissed her forehead, said goodbye and left the room. I went straight to my car, turned it on, and sat with tears running down my face. I wiped them away by the time my mom opened the door and got in. She started saying something about the events of the previous night but once again I blocked her out. She touched my arm and asked if I was listening. I told her no and she began again. I guess 2 girls from the Bronx came to beat up the nurse that was taking care of Aunt Rose over some guy. The police had to be called because they had broken into the house and had thrown the girl down the stairs. I was in shock, why had I not paid attention sooner. How does something like that happen, what if Aunt Rose was hurt because of these girls? Thank God she just slept through it all, who knows how though.

Things happen so quickly in life. There is no slowing life down, and there is no going back. Seeing Aunt Rose today just made me take a long look at my life. What is happening? Where am I going? Am I truly living life to its fullest? Is this the life I saw myself living? I am heading back to school soon for the last time in my college career, and maybe that anxiety that Aunt Rose saw in my eyes today. It is going to be one hell of a semester, but it is what is coming after that is making me so anxious. School is coming to an end, friendships will be put to the test, and life as I had known it will change for good. It is a big change, but it took a look from my Aunt Rose to make me really step back and look at everything. She still has my back, forces me to really look at my life with just one look and I love her for that.

But life's not the breath you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain't what it's all about
You just might miss the point
If you don't slow down the pace
Life's not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away.

-George Straight

That's alright, I've got forever on the tip of my tongue

Field hockey is over.


A 16 year long chapter in my life has come to a close.


I am not sure how I am feeling. The emotions that are running through my body are foreign and contradictory. I don’t think I have truly wrapped my mind around the fact that I will no longer be on a team, and next year I will not be returning to Hendrix College for preseason. I won’t receive a workout for the summer, or have to worry about when my individual session will be scheduled in the spring.

I joke with people on the team about how we will have to schedule workouts from 4:30-6:30 Monday-Friday so that I can maintain structure to my day but it is only slightly a joke. I am already missing hockey, and its only the second day of not having it. All day I was worried about getting everything done before practice, and then realized that I don’t have that worry anymore.

It has been a long and crazy road. I cannot describe how amazing these last four years have been. Winning games that seemed out of our reach, fighting back when we were down goals or players, and always standing strong when the odds were stacked against us. I am so proud to be a part of Hendrix Field Hockey, and absolutely amazed at what we have accomplished as a team. It doesn't seem real, the victory over Sewanee in overtime was one of the happiest moments I have had on a hockey field and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

After the game on Saturday, I couldn't stop the tears from running down from my eyes. I saw my mom running across the field and as she took me in her embrace I cried even harder. She held me tight and told me over and over how proud she was of me, and how well we played. When my tears slowed down she whispered in my ear, "now you just have to show your love for the game in a different way, stay involved, coach, it is what has allowed me to keep my love for the game alive." I know she was right, and I know no matter what I will keep my love for the game in my heart always. It is going to be different though.

This is the first chapter to close in my life, and I know that this being my senior year many more are to follow. It is going to be a year of change. I sit in my room at times and think about what it will be like next year when I will not be living with two of my best friends but instead struggling to find a job and a place to live. What will happen when a 15 page paper is not the most stressful part of my life, and when I want to talk to my friends I can’t just call them up and have them meet me in the pecan court or have midnight tea parties in the labyrinth. Life is changing so fast, and try as I might I cannot slow it down. I get chills just thinking about the idea of graduation, yet in a mere few months it will actually be happening.

This year will be a memory soon, so my goal is to make the most of it. Spend more time with my friends, not worrying so much about the future but living in the moment because the time to worry will come but its not here yet. Hendrix will be my home for the next six months, and I don’t want to regret not having done anything. I want to sing in live-band karaoke, dance for hours with my friends at parties singing along to the music, sit and have a cup of tea with my lovely ladies and having heart to hearts instead of writing a paper that is due the next day. Saying goodbye to Hendrix is going to be hard, but until that has to happen I am just going to live every day to its fullest and not allow anything to ruin these last months.



"I ain't here to do anything half way

Don't give a damn what anyone might say

I just want to free fall for awhile"

Wild at heart- Gloriana